my unique life

D got me something for christmas. I told him he shouldn't have. That I am very happy to be with him on christmas. Today I am low thoug. But I don't want to tell him that. I don't want him to worry. My main concern is him. To help him feel better. He got sick from his father. So I am doing my best to help him. I can't watch a movie fully when I am home. I can only watch them fully when I am with him. He makes me happy. I hope he likes his christmas presents I made him.

I am afraid that no one will truly love me. I feel as if I am unworthy of love. I asked D a question last night and I made him sad. I didn't mean to. I feel bad about asking that question. I may just keep a lot of questions in my mind so I don't make him sad. I dislike it when he is sad, and if I made him sad I become low and start thinking badly about myself. I truly love him. He holds my heart in his hands. I trust him with all my heart. I don't tell him a lot of the bad things that go through my mind. I don't think I am worth worrying about. He shouldn't worry that much about me. I went to his house for thanksgiving. I had fun with him and vv. I hope they like the presents I have for them. I am scared that D won't want me. I am scared that he will leave. I am scared that he will find someone else better then me. I am scared that he will never ever love me. I know I am weak, ugly, dumb, not wanted. Fuck, I know all of this. I just want to be loved but m...

I knew that I should have blocked everything. I am becoming clingy. Something I said I wouldn't. Fuck I am such a god damn idiot. I don't want to ruin what I have with D. But it seems I am. I always fuck up everything. I am just a fuck up. I am so mad at myself. I don't want to cause trouble but I am. I don't want to bother him but I am. I am such a stupid fuck up. I don't deserve to be cared about. I don't deserve to be loved. Everything is wrong with me. I am nothing just a piece of garbage. I don't want to tell D because he shouldn't worry about me. He shouldn't care about me. All I do at times is either bother him or cause trouble. I try my best to stay in the corner and be quiet, to be out of the way.

I want to tell D how I am feeling. But I am not important so I don't tell him. I feel sad, unwanted, at times lonely. I feel as if I bother people as if I am a troublemaker. I can't tell him. He shouldn't worry about me. I love him. I do. But lately, I have been thinking bad things about myself. I am unworthy of love. I don't deserve happiness. I am nothing. I shouldn't be alive. Etc. It gets worse at certain times. But he doesn't notice. At least I hope he doesn't notice.

5:20 P.M. I really just wish to spend more time with D. Just me and him. But I won't ask him for that. He is busy a lot. I don't want to bother him. Today I know my depressive side has come out more. Maybe I should go home. But I want to spend time with D. But as of since I have been here it isn't much. Except for Halloween but even then we had others with us. I know I sound clingy. I will stop that. I have to stop that. So, that means I also have to stop feeling. What's new though. D had his mother bring me a thing of noodles. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. 7:41 P.M. I keep thinking a lot. Which is bad sometimes. It all depends on what you are feeling though. Right now my stomach is hurting because I haven't eaten much. Just a protein bar and a thing of crackers. I don't feel like eating though. Just because I am depressed. I know stupid reason. Maybe I am just stupid in general.

I feel very happy. I am finally spending time with D. Yesterday for Halloween I had fun. I went trick-or-treating with D, VV, her friend, and Jason. I didn't go up to the doors to get candy. My anxiety was acting up very badly...I almost started to cry. I haven't told him though. And they say that I can get some candy but I am too fat already. I am happy with D. I missed him so much. But I keep getting low randomly. I want to talk to him about it. but he is busy or spending time with his family. I don't want to bother him. I do that already. and I feel bad.

Why do I cause trouble? I always bother him and cause him trouble. I always feel as if I am always bothering him. I don't want to cause him trouble or anything bad. He is so sweet to me. I think he is amazing. I can't wait till Halloween. Although I think he is going to try to scare me. I wouldn't mind. I have to stop being clingy. I need to push more of me back. He doesn't realize, I take everything in and at times it hurts me. So I push it back.

It has been a month since I have seen D. I have been having a lot more nightmares lately. I miss him. It is hard to sleep without him near. Usually, I fall asleep much faster with him near. I know I sound needy but in truth, he helps me without realizing it. Even him being near me helps me a lot. Right now he and his family are packing. They got a new house. I hope they move in before Halloween. I am supposed to go spend Halloween with him. I hope I still can. Hopefully, soon I can spend at least a week a with him. I just want to cry sometimes because I got used to waking up and seeing him next to me. But I haven't been able to for a month, and I almost start to cry.

Today is the zombie walk. My mother and sister are going. I don't see the point in it. Last year around this time my ex and I were kind of in a rough place. Then soon after we broke up. More like he broke up with me. I don't love him anymore. I got over him after a couple months. Moved on. It is just the memories are so annoying. And then D hasn't talked to me since early this morning. So now I am feeling rejected. I don't even have energy today. I just want to stay in bed and that is it. There is less then 1 and a half weeks till halloween. Till I can see D again. I can't wait. I am bouncing in my seat. I still have to figure out how to do my make up. I got new wings for my costume. Kind of ruined my old wings. I had D choose the shirt I am wearing. I am nervous though. I try and look nice and dress up sometimes to empress him. Hasn't worked. Maybe I am a failure.

I want to talk with D about different things. But sometimes it seems he just brushes it off. And when I start talking about how I am feeling, it seems he doesn't know how to handle it. I don't want to be a bother to him yet I know I am. I love him. He shouldn't be caring about me. I don't deserve it. My father is being a drama queen a lot and keeps making everything about him yet again. I just wish my mom would divorce him and leave him. But we can't leave the cats. We love them a lot. I created this blog to help me get things off of my chest. It works sometimes but other times it doesn't. And I just need someone to talk to about it. I bother D to much already. I have a job interview tomorrow. I hope I get the job so I can get out of the house. It's part time. But it will help either way. Happy Friday the 13th everyone.

I may have just ruined what D and I have. Fuck, I am such an idiot. I haven't got my birth control shot yet. In my body I have more testosterone, so taking the shot helps me get my hormones. Without it my emotions go all over. I don't want to lose him. I just may have though. He is my light without him I would be sleeping more, I would be how I used to be. I don't want to be that girl again. I just want him. But no I had to fuck it up being the stupid ass I am. Maybe I should hit my head against the wall. Teach me a lesson. I am afraid that if I lose him, I won't be able to come back if I go to my old self. I actually am in love with him. I picture the future and I see him in it. I am such a idiot. He is an amazing person. He actually cares about me. He treats me as if I am human. He worries about me. He is funny. When he plays his game and yells at the tv, I laugh and tell him, "love it is just a game they can't hear you." I watch him a lot. Becaus...

It is hard to not want to cry when I am at home at times. Everything gets to me and makes me even more stressed. I love him and I hope in the future when he is ready we can be together. But at time I start thinking he would never ever want to be with me. If he finds someone else to be with... I will let him go to be with that person. And just be best friends with him. I know that I am not right. That I am just a loser who shouldn't be here. I don't tell him that I still feel like I am nothing and that I am unworthy of someone like him. I have nightmares at least once every two days. Have a nice day/night everyone.

Today is a low day for me. My mind keeps thinking a lot of different things. Like I am a bother to D. He says I am not. But at times I see it when I bother him. I always feel so bad when I bother him. Hell, I feel bad when I ask him a stupid question. I just want to make him happy. I feel so bad when he is sad, when we make him worry, when I make him sad. I don't mean to. I am used to having no one care about me. Having no one ask how I am feeling, or ask what is wrong with me. I feel wanted when someone asks me what is wrong and keeps asking even though I tell them not to worry. But they keep asking until I tell them. No one has ever done that to me. I worry a lot about him. I know he is still hurting from what happened in his life. I want to help him through it all. I want to make him feel loved and wanted which he is. I don't want him to worry about me and what is usually wrong, or to make sure I eat. He is usually busy....So I never want to bother him. And when I do ...

I am going back to how I was before. I used to not care, barely eat, sleep a lot, never talk and if I did it was one or two words. I dressed up to go to his house today. It was stupid. I was trying to feel pretty. I know I am not. I still think no one should care about me. Im not worth it. Fuck I fell for him when I knew he wasn't ready to be with anyone. It will probably take years for him and once he is he will find someone else. I hate myself so much. I want to hurt myself. But I can't.  I can't hurt him. I have been having nightmares. I don't tell him tho. He doesn't need to worry about me.

Why do I keep hiding my feelings? Why do I keep making sure that I keep all my emotions are in check? I feel as if I tell D, I make him sad and worry so much. I always feel so bad after I do. I know he cares about me. I am used to having no one care for me. It is different with him. I am happier with him but when I am at home my thoughts are much darker because of my family. I just want to move out. No scratch that I just want someone to love me. I am afraid that will never happen. I am afraid that D will never want me. I am afraid just one day he will tell me to leave. He has become my rock. I don't tell him what I want or need. He shouldn't worry about it. He already has a lot on his plate. I am just a speck of nothing. I love him, I really do. I care for him so much. I worry about him. He is my everything.

It's getting hard. To keep my sadness locked away when all I want to do is cry. At times I feel so lonely. I can't tell him that then he will get sad about it. I don't want him to feel sad about it. That is just how I am. I am a sad, lonely, fat girl. I keep a lot of thoughts in my mind. Away from everyone. I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth is wrong and bad. I have been staying more and more quiet each day. But no one notices it. I feel like I want to cry right now. But it doesn't matter. If I cry what does it help? I am still broken. I am still unwanted. I am still just nothing. That is all I ever am. I love him, I do. But he feels bad about little things and I don't like making him sad. I feel worse whenever I make him sad.

I wish for a lot of things. Not material things but for a guy to do little things to show he loves me. Or at least appreciates me. I wish that a guy would walk up behind me and just hold me from behind. I wish to be randomly kissed. I wish someone would love me for me. I wish that a guy would let me just hold him and cuddle him. I wish that someone would tell me I am beautiful when I feel like absolute shit. I wish that he would hug me whenever he sees I am sad or getting low. I wish that someone would see it when I get low and just hold me and tell me everything is okay that I am not a failure. That they want me here. I wish to not want to cut myself a lot because I feel like a disappointment, that I am bothering people. I wish that I could just be able to talk about what I am feeling a lot to the one I love. I wish that I wasn't so weak, so broken. I wish that I had someone who would make sure that I am okay, that I am eating, that they just help me feel like I am not useless tha...

I really wish he would understand we are happy with him. He makes me smile a lot, helps me keep my emotions in check. My depression has been going down with him. He feels as if he isn't all I want and need. In truth he is. But he isn't ready yet. And I will wait for him. He shouldn't be feeling bad at all. I understand how it is. With him I found out I have different sides. I have the main me, Jasmin. Then I have babygirl who is the innocent part of me. Mistress who is the naughty side of me. Princess who is the playful side of me. Mommy who is the mothering side of me. And kitty is the side of me who loves cuddles. Without him I would have never found out about the sides of me. I would have been so depressed if I never met him. I would be sleeping all day and barely eating. I am so happy I have him in my life. He is everything I have always wanted and more. I just wish he would see that. I want to show him that he is important. But we are really never alone, so we ha...

How do you tell someone not to worry about you when that what you want? Or not to give you happiness when sometimes you really need that? Or even not to give you pleasure even though you bottle it up and you get frustrated and grouchy. I can't tell him what I want or need sexually sometimes or even just to hold me. I believe I am not worth it. I mean, who would love someone like me? Or even want to be with me? Im a 19-year-old girl who has went through a lot of heartbreak, a lot of issues with my family that made me different, a fat girl who is most of the time broken and depressed. I don't want him to see me when I get low or even when I get a little sad. I am supposed to be the one there for him even if in the future he wants nothing to do with me and regrets ever meeting me. It's nothing new to me....getting heartbroken and left for good. I just usually fake smile and fake happy to make sure no one knows how horrible I feel. When I am alone I usually start thinking t...

Maybe I am not good enough for him. It hurts me when they see a message but don't reply. Yes we know he maybe busy. It still doesn't hurt any less. I have kept my feelings trapt away. That way I can help him more. But sometimes I want to talk about my feelings. But I don't. I won't. I honestly feel like at times I should just numb myself. Ignore what I feel more. I am depressed a lot. I keep thinking just one little cut. It could help. But I won't do that. I made a promise not to. Instead I just lay there and cry. I know I am weak. Fuck I know it. I only cry when I am alone. That way its out. So no one else sees it.

My sister keeps saying things that put me down. After hearing it for so long from her and my parents and all the people who used to bully me, I start to believe them. I know I am too fat, I know I am ugly. Fuck I know I am hairy. I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome. It means I get hair where I am not supposed to and that I don't get monthly. I know I am stupid. I know I am everything bad. I always feel like this, I just hide it a lot. Being away from my love makes it worse sometimes. Because when I was with him, if he just hugged me, it went away a little. I am not used to actually talk about my feelings, used to I would just bottle them up. But now with D, I want to talk about them but I don't. Reason being is that we rarely get to be alone. I miss him, and I know it seems strange. But honestly I feel safe with D and VV. I have fun when I am with them. At times I start wondering why does he want me in his life? Why is he so kind to me? Why does he care? No one is supp...

I always fuck things up. Fuck I just want to cry. Why do I always do this. I feel like shit. Now the depression is going to get even worse along with my anxiety. I didn't even bring my anxiety pills. Fuck! Maybe I should just hide everything about me. Keep myself neutral. Be boring. I am truly nothing. A waste of fucking space. Hope you all have a better day/night. -Jasmin

I am questioning myself. Maybe I really should stop showing affection. It would make sure that no one questions what D and I are. Honestly, sometimes I get confused. He reminds me we are just friends a lot. But yet he does things a couple would do. I am so confused. I want to be a couple with him but he isn't ready. He still needs times to heal. So I wait. I will wait forever if that is what it takes. I don't want to lose him. I second guess myself a lot. It's hard not to. My feelings I try to sort them out. Sometimes it work, other times it doesn't. I want to help him all I can. Making sure he is smiling a lot. Making sure he is happy. D, he is amazing, wonderful. He is this wonderful guy. He is sweet, at times romantic. I can say all these great things about him but I get tongue-tied. When I look at him I get butterflys in my tummy. We think why does he be so kind to us? Why does he show us he cares? I don't know, maybe I am overthinking it. Anyway Have a ...

I think my depression is coming back again. The reason being is that I saw a post that said depression is when you get tired when you do nothing. I have been tired and haven't really done anything. So it's back. I am not telling D tho. He shouldn't worry about whether it is acting up or not. I am happy I have him in my life, it's just I wish he could see when I get sad. But then I don't want him to. He doesn't show affection around his family. So I will keep it to the bare minimum for him. That way I don't cause any trouble. Who am I kidding? I always cause trouble by just living. I know it isn't right saying that but it's how I feel right now. That I don't matter, I shouldn't matter. I am nothing. A waste of space. I don't tell anyone this tho. I keep it quiet. Like I am supposed to do. Why do I have to be so fucked up? Why can't I be better? I know I fuck up everything. I have been told that my whole life. I can't h...

I am still so sleepy. I love to stay up and be with D. Just us alone but when I fall asleep it isn't for long. Reason being is I am trying to spend as much time with D as I can because I know as soon as I get home. I am going to be missing him a lot. I know it sounds desperate but I honestly love being near him. He calms me down so much. He has done amazing things for me. Stuff that no one else has ever done before. It amazes me and I watch him a lot in fascination because he treats me like I am this wonderful woman. I am going to keep doing little things and to make sure he feels loved, happy and feels wanted. Because he is loved and wanted by me. And we love seeing him smile. I have been having wonderful dreams about him a lot. The only time I have had a nightmare since I came this week was once. I am so happy I have him in my life. He is everything to me. I never want to lose him. Anyway have a wonderful day/night -Jasmin

I am such a weirdo. The reason being is when I fall in love with someone. I always do everything in my power to make them happy. I create things from scratch for them, I make sure they always feel loved, happy, etc. Lately, I have been dreaming stupid dreams. Romantic dates, amazing surprises, etc. I wish for some of these things to happen yet I know they won't. When something good happens in my life, something messes it up. We really hope with all our heart that D loves us. That it is the truth. Imagine if he just said one day, I never loved you, I was just seeing how long I could play you. That would be fucked up. But sadly it could happen. Everything bad can happen in an instant. We literally don't tell D what we wish a lot. We are sometimes afraid to. We have to be patient. If he wants to be with us, it will take time. He needs to heal. Or maybe he is just having us help him heal then once he is fully healed, he will leave us. Wouldn't be the first time. I have kep...

I am already stressed about class. I have 2 papers due Wednesday along with a discussion question. A discussion question due Friday and another paper due Sunday. Ugh kill me now. I am happy tho, spending time with D and VV. We watched white noise last night. I still hate that movie. Earlier VV and  I watched Insidious Chapter 3. I got full body chills on a part, VV got chills as well. then at the end she jumped. Is it weird that I miss my kittens but I kind of like being away from my family? I don't stress as much when I am here. I love spending time with VV and D.  I have never laughed so much before. For me this is my sweet escape. I am happy I met D. He makes me happy. Happier then I have ever been. It's different, he treats me nicely. I feel weird. I am used to ex's sometimes treating me nicely, not always. I hope I make him happy. I never like it when someone is sad. Anyway have a wonderful day/night -Jasmin

So I went home last week and spent "time" with my family. In the end though I just got annoyed a lot. They can be very annoying, a lot of times they piss me off. Even princess. My three evils though I love them. Lucifer will not let me sleep one way. If I lay on my left side he has to be in front of my face. It is the same for if I sleep on my right side or even my back. I am currently at D's house. I always have fun and smile a lot. I like being away from my family. They have 2 dogs, 2 adult cats, 2 kittens, 2 tanks of fish, and a ferret. I think that is how you spell it. Anyway I am staying longer then I did last time. But honestly, coming every other week helps keep my stress level down. I am happier. I mean I love my family, sometimes, but I have to get away at times. D makes me smile a lot. Yes, I have different sides of me. I usually say we, us, etc. Anyway a lot of times I think what did I do to deserve him? Why does he treat me so nicely? A girl like me doesn...

I have been hanging out with D for two days now. I have been having fun. I have been smiling a lot. Right now however, memories are coming up in my mind. Making me sad and delressed again. I haven't let it show though. So no one knows. Or at least I hope no one has noticed. I didn't realize most of my songs on my phone are either love songs, sex songs, or songs about relationships. Those don't help with my emotions today at all. I just want cuddles. But I don't need them. Have a good day/night everyone. -Jasmin

So, there has been a lot on my mind lately. I have been not singing as much as I usually do anymore. The reason is because I have been down again. I know my voice doesn't sound good. I have decided to not do the voice audition. I mean it's not like I would actually get in or anything. Also I know I am to big to look sexy. So I don't try. I have given up on how I look. I am ugly. My art is still the same. Do it when I feel a strong emotion. I am gonna hang with my best friend D soon. I am very nervous on meeting his family. Every time I think about him I get happy and butterflies in my stomach. He is amazing. I always think, what does he see in me? I am just plain, boring, nothing. I know it is bad to talk bad about yourself. But I have severe depression. It isn't gonna go away so easily. I don't like taking meds for it. So I don't. My feelings and mind are going crazy a lot. I can't help it though. I keep it to myself a lot. Try to stop them on my own. ...

I may have ruined what I have with D. How can I be so stupid sometimes. I don't know why I try anymore, to find friends, to be happy. I should just do what I know. Get through school, work on art, stay in my room. It is hard for me to be happy. I know I sound like a typical girl but honestly I have high anxiety and depression. I hide them away from people so no one sees it. I hide most of myself away from everyone. That way I don't get hurt, or bullied or other things. Yes I have a family. Sometimes they love me other times they wish I was never born. Most of the time I wish I was never born. Thinking people would be happier with me gone. I don't tell anyone that I think bad thoughts. My therapist, he helps me get out what happens with my family for that month, week or day. I know how I have come to have the high depression and anxiety. It is because of what happened in my past. It doesn't stop sometimes. My depression won't go away nor will my anxiety. They are h...

So, yesterday I had to get a birth control shot and get my blood taken. She tried first on my left arm at my elbow, I wouldn't bleed. Then she tried on my right arm same place and still didn't bleed. Then finally she did my right hand. It hurt worse than my arms. And as soon as she was done, I had a bad reaction. My hand swelled and bruised where she did it and I also felt extremely sick. I am so happy I have my best friend in my life. Let's call him D. He makes my days/nights so much more interesting. He helps me when I am down, and I him. He even calls my three kittens evil ones. It makes me smile when he says that. Today my father is going to race. I bet my mom a cupcake that he will throw up before he races. Originally he was supposed to race two weeks before but they canceled it. But the next day he went to practice.  I am debating whether I should go or not. I want to but then my father's friends annoy me so much and I want to punch them. School is somewhat eas...

I got 2, 200 packs of black cats. My favorite thing about fireworks other than the smell of when they are fired/shot. I also am so happy that it is July. It means that halloween is close. I love halloween. Lucifer, one of my 4 cats. Is sick I believe. The three kittens are evil. If I am asleep they literally run over my body. It annoys me badly. But their cuddles are so sweet. Anyway Have a nice day/night - Jasmin

So I am doing a persuasive essay in my class. The topic I have chosen is Legalization of Marijuana. I couldn't find any article in the school's library to help me. So I used google. Anyway, I am curious about something I am going to put a poll up and I want you to vote, please. Have a nice day/night everyone. -Jasmin

So my father got a race car. Where I live there are races every week. He got everything he needed the car was ready and everything. They canceled the races tonight. For me, well I have another best friend now. He is awesome. Very sweet and we talk about everything and anything. I told him about this guy that I have been hanging out with. Let's call him S. Well S found out I have fallen in love with him. I had hung out with him today. It was fun. But something kind of happened. Anyway, I want to ask S what he feels for me. But I am guessing he would say Idk or probably something else that will break me. I know I shouldn't fall in love. Yet I fucking do. I hate my heart. I hate how I fall in love easily. I just want to block all my emotions. Yes, therapy has helped. But not much. On the inside, I am still the girl who wants to just lay down, cry my eyes out and sleep. I still am scared of things. I bottle everything up because I don't talk much. But that is life for me. A...

So, I have been making a lot of friends online. Some of them are really cool and sweet. Alisa my best friend. Well, she is in an art class for this summer. Let's just say her first test she missed one question. I love her I do but the question was easy. She told me she was mad at me for not helping her. I would tell her I'm sorry you should have called me. While laughing. The 3 kittens are doing fine. They are little assholes though. Wake me up at random times. I love them I do but I just want to sleep one full night. Anyway, I will post again soon. Have a wonderful day/night -Jasmin

So I started class on June 5th instead of when I was supposed to 2 weeks earlier. The reason being is because I need a little time off. I actually so far liking the new class. Right now, however, I am watching Say yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids on Youtube. I don't know what episode this is but the maid of honor thinks she is more important than the Bride. Like, come on, your even lucky to be a bridesmaid. If I was the bride then I would tell her she isn't my maid of honor anymore or even a bridesmaid. Anyway, my three kittens are hyper as hell. It is usually hilarious. I got them a toy and they love it. They have grown a little bit. Anyway, Have a nice day/night -Jasmin

Hey, everyone. Today topic I am choosing is sadness and depression. Today for me is kind of a hard day. My sister and father have made me mad. Then I start thinking, what if I kill myself. Would they even care? Would they notice? Would anyone notice? My mind the part I hide is the sadness and depression. I keep it away from people who I care about. Not a lot of people know what truly goes through my mind. I always think that maybe I should die. I mean look at how my own "Family" treats me. I get verbal abused almost every day. Other times I think of maybe I should move, get away from them. I want to cry every day. I just want to have someone who loves me. Who would cuddle with me. Who would treat me right. I can't ever get happiness in my life. I found someone who I like. Who I am falling for. But he says it shouldn't happen. So I block a lot of me off. I just need someone who wants to be with me for my personality. Who helps me and I them. But whatever, Life...

Hello everyone, So the main topic I think I want to talk about today is the past. Their are many things that happen in someone past. It can be good or bad. People in the 20th century judge others now by how they look, most of the time. Their are some who don't, they are the special ones. Me, I never judge someone by their look. I get to know them. When people look at me all they see is a 19 year old woman who is fat and doesn't dress or use makeup properly. I dress how I have always learned which is to not show too much skin. I don't use contouring, highlighter or even do my eyebrows. My makeup is simple concealer, lipstick, eye-shadow, eye-liner and mascara. That is only if I feel like doing makeup. The point being, is it is not right to judge someone who you know nothing of their past. Sometimes the past haunts you. Today my first ex-boyfriend from high school sent me a friend request on facebook. I didn't accept, the reason being. Is I can't handle his dram...

So I have been talking to this guy for a while. He is so sweet. I am falling for him. He says I shouldn't but its hard when your heart has already fallen. I know I have been hurt before multiple times. But I keep hope. Hope is something that helps me keep going through life. Our kittens we got recently are doing well. The three of them are so adorable. We have two boys and one girls. Their names are Socks Satan Eddy, Lucifer Midnight Eddy and Wonderer Melody Eddy. Princessa hisses at them sometimes still but he is slowly getting used to them. Love, it is so hard to find and so easy to lose. I may seem innocent on the outside, but my eyes have seen many things. About the guy who I am talking to, he is mysterious yet I can somehow understand certain things about him. He makes me smile all the time even when my family has made me mad. He is handsome. To me however, looks isn't everything. It is there personality. It is what's on the inside not the outside. Every day we ta...

Family. What does it mean to me? It should mean people who are there for each other. People who understand you and won't leave you. People who don't verbal abuses you and treat you like shit. No, what it means to me now is people who I am related to by blood. Sometimes I want to just leave, find a place to stay and get away from them. Other times I wonder what it would be like to be deleted. (died) I know it is wrong to say those things but its the truth. I feel like I don't have a family. Like I am all alone. I talk to my best friend, I consider her a sister. Even though we aren't even the same race. Sometimes it is better to have family that isn't related by blood then to have a family that is. What a wonderful fucked up life. I can deal with bullying, with depression, and anxiety. But to be verbally abused most of my life by my so called "family". I can't. At least not anymore. I wanna block of all of my emotions. So I can focus on school. So ...

So, I have been talking to a lot of people. Making new friends. Meeting new people. My best friends mom said that if I cleaned the house then she will pay me $25 dollars a day that I am here. I have been helping today and she won't pay me. FML Anyway until next time Have a nice day/night -J

I sleep a lot more now. That way i won't be up during the day. The reason being, I can't stand my family. Everyday if its not one thing it's another. Every time when I sleep, I have 3 different dreams. The 1st one is what i wish to happen. The 2nd one is a nightmare and the 3rd one is my past. I don't tell anyone a lot about me. I usually act happy. So they don't bother me. It works sometimes. Other times i get so annoyed i almost puch someone.

So, I have been doing really well in school. Which, is amazing. I have applied to multiple jobs. Hopefully I get this job I really want. My mom had to get her liquor lisence and she passed the test today. All she has to do is one more thing and she has the job fully. I will admit, I am hurting only because I see all these couples and I am single. I try to put myself out there to meet new people but it isn't working. I was thinking maybe I should give up looking. My father, is friends with this guy. And the guy is having relationship troubles. everyone can see that the girl is just using him. So my father said to him, " I have a single 19 year old, maybe you should date her." It is now going through my mind. I mean who would date me? I am a loser, I do everything wrong. I get cheated on, lied to, and hurt. Whats the point of finding someone? I don't know how much more heartbreak i can handle. My family doesn't even know. I hide it well. Anyway I will try to po...

So we are moving houses. I like it. For the past few days i have had a feeling something is gonna happen to me. I was right. My boyfriend maybe falling in love with his friend. Why can't i get a boyfriend or girlfriend and actually date them for a while? Why can't i get a happy time? I feel like i am ment to be alone forever. I ahould get it through my mind that no one will ever love me. I just want someone to hold, to kiss, to show my love to them, etc. But no life has to fuck with me. I need to get a punching bag to help get all my anger and sadness out. *screams in frustration*

Hey, everyone. So what's been happening in my life? I have been very happy with my boyfriend. School is going awesome. I am going to start my next class on the 3rd. I am also going to get new classes on the 6th. That's all for right now. Thanks, -Jasmin

This is a day that I was at my friends and I was being silly

So, I have been getting a lot of movies. I still have a lot more to get. But first I need to get DVD-RW from best buy. It's a 30 pack. I think I have 30 movies. But only problem is I don't have money. The thing is about $25 dollars. Anyway, I am being very patient for my boyfriend to move here to cruces. I can't wait till he does because then I will be taking him places, make him smile, etc. I haven't talked to a friend because I have been a little mad at them. Princess is still crazy. And hyper a lot. But I love him. I am now on week 4 of my class and it is easy for me, which I am grateful for. Now I have to wait for my money from my fasfa to come in. So I can get ink for my printer, paper, etc. Anyway Have A Nice Day/Night -Jasmin

So I am on the 2nd week of school. I love it. It is so easy. I am not single anymore either. I am dating someone. But the only person who knows who it is is my Best friend cici. Lisa is also my best friend but I don't need her to yell at me or making me mad. Lately some things Lisa says have either made me mad or depressed. I won't tell her either. I can handle it. Right now I just turned in a paper early for class, so I am listening to music. I have downloaded a lot of country. but shhhh don't tell mom. Anyway, I want to know how ya'll are doing. So if you would like to comment down below how you day has been going. Until next time lovelies -Jasmin

So I am single again. For valentines day I took a girl on a picnic. I gave her a handmade letter with a sucky poem, two flowers, a candy rose, a teddy bear, box of chocolates, and an artwork. We haven't talked much since then, but the day of she played the piano beautifully. I am finally in another college, I transferred from Dona ana community college to Grand Canyon University online. It is much easier. I don't have any breaks, I have class on Saturday and Sunday. And I only have one class every 7/8 weeks. Lastly, I am so stressed out about money. My check won't be here until 30-45 days which will be near the end of March. So I won't be able to get me something for my birthday like I planned. My sister's birthday is the 28th of this month, she is turning 17. I won't be able to get her a present, nor my mother. I stress myself out so much, that I sleep a lot. It's only I can cope. Some people get money so easily, yet my family and I have been struggli...