my unique life

I...I am heartbroken. I knew I never deserved love. I never deserved happiness. I never deserved to be treated nicely. I am trying not to cry. I am trying to block it. I am trying to hide everything again. I am trying to become a shell again. He shouldn't care about me. He shouldn't worry about me. Fuck I want to do something, harm myself. Make the pain go away....Maybe I should

I don't know what to do. I keep triggering myself while I am at D's house. Every time I am triggered it is when he isn't with me. Even then he usually stays for a couple minutes then goes to VV room. I understand he is her father. I know they need time together. But I still start to feel lonely and unwanted. I know that I don't deserve to be happy or to be loved. I know I don't deserve to be treated nicely by him. I know that he shouldn't care about me or for me. All I do is cause trouble or bother him and his family. I see it a lot. I have started to become quiet, like how I was when I first started to come over. I made rules for myself. To not get pleasured, to not get cuddles or kisses. It makes me sad. I have to stop it so I don't get him in any more trouble. I feel as if I am losing him slowly. I know I am stupid, ugly and fat. I have started to think bad thoughts a lot. He doesn't realize it. Fuck when I am low I just want to be held. I want so ma...

So yesterday was my birthday. It was the best birthday ever. D and VV made a cake. D decorated it. I loved it. D made it the best day ever. I hope everyone had a good st patricks day yesterday. My mom got drunk yesterday. She was in good mood. I woke up at 8 am yesterday. D got me. I was literally bouncing in excitement. I even did my traditions. Which is drink a shot and get either a mega million or Powerball.

Here is a picture video of me singing Lost Boys with Ruth B. I am still to shy to sing with only my voice.

Why am I the one is unlovable? My family treats me like crap. They treat my sister way better. Get her lots of things. While they bitch at me for asking for $10 for gas. My mother threatened to kick me out. I know she will go through with it. I always knew they stopped caring about me after awhile. Before I met D I was considering suicide. But then I met him and I stopped thinking about it. I wanted to live that way I could be with D. Help him heal and be happy. I promised him something, to never cut. I intend to keep that promise. No matter how bad I really want to. Today I got sick. I hope it ends soon. It seems like it is. Maybe I got sick because I stay in my room and stay away from my family. If you can even call them that anymore. I try to think happy thoughts. But it isn't working right now. All I can hear in my mind. Is my "family" saying they wished I was never alive. Or how ugly and fat I am. Or how they don't care about me. I don't know what to do ...