my unique life

I wish for a lot of things. Not material things but for a guy to do little things to show he loves me. Or at least appreciates me. I wish that a guy would walk up behind me and just hold me from behind. I wish to be randomly kissed. I wish someone would love me for me. I wish that a guy would let me just hold him and cuddle him. I wish that someone would tell me I am beautiful when I feel like absolute shit. I wish that he would hug me whenever he sees I am sad or getting low. I wish that someone would see it when I get low and just hold me and tell me everything is okay that I am not a failure. That they want me here. I wish to not want to cut myself a lot because I feel like a disappointment, that I am bothering people. I wish that I could just be able to talk about what I am feeling a lot to the one I love. I wish that I wasn't so weak, so broken. I wish that I had someone who would make sure that I am okay, that I am eating, that they just help me feel like I am not useless tha...

I really wish he would understand we are happy with him. He makes me smile a lot, helps me keep my emotions in check. My depression has been going down with him. He feels as if he isn't all I want and need. In truth he is. But he isn't ready yet. And I will wait for him. He shouldn't be feeling bad at all. I understand how it is. With him I found out I have different sides. I have the main me, Jasmin. Then I have babygirl who is the innocent part of me. Mistress who is the naughty side of me. Princess who is the playful side of me. Mommy who is the mothering side of me. And kitty is the side of me who loves cuddles. Without him I would have never found out about the sides of me. I would have been so depressed if I never met him. I would be sleeping all day and barely eating. I am so happy I have him in my life. He is everything I have always wanted and more. I just wish he would see that. I want to show him that he is important. But we are really never alone, so we ha...

How do you tell someone not to worry about you when that what you want? Or not to give you happiness when sometimes you really need that? Or even not to give you pleasure even though you bottle it up and you get frustrated and grouchy. I can't tell him what I want or need sexually sometimes or even just to hold me. I believe I am not worth it. I mean, who would love someone like me? Or even want to be with me? Im a 19-year-old girl who has went through a lot of heartbreak, a lot of issues with my family that made me different, a fat girl who is most of the time broken and depressed. I don't want him to see me when I get low or even when I get a little sad. I am supposed to be the one there for him even if in the future he wants nothing to do with me and regrets ever meeting me. It's nothing new to me....getting heartbroken and left for good. I just usually fake smile and fake happy to make sure no one knows how horrible I feel. When I am alone I usually start thinking t...

Maybe I am not good enough for him. It hurts me when they see a message but don't reply. Yes we know he maybe busy. It still doesn't hurt any less. I have kept my feelings trapt away. That way I can help him more. But sometimes I want to talk about my feelings. But I don't. I won't. I honestly feel like at times I should just numb myself. Ignore what I feel more. I am depressed a lot. I keep thinking just one little cut. It could help. But I won't do that. I made a promise not to. Instead I just lay there and cry. I know I am weak. Fuck I know it. I only cry when I am alone. That way its out. So no one else sees it.

My sister keeps saying things that put me down. After hearing it for so long from her and my parents and all the people who used to bully me, I start to believe them. I know I am too fat, I know I am ugly. Fuck I know I am hairy. I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome. It means I get hair where I am not supposed to and that I don't get monthly. I know I am stupid. I know I am everything bad. I always feel like this, I just hide it a lot. Being away from my love makes it worse sometimes. Because when I was with him, if he just hugged me, it went away a little. I am not used to actually talk about my feelings, used to I would just bottle them up. But now with D, I want to talk about them but I don't. Reason being is that we rarely get to be alone. I miss him, and I know it seems strange. But honestly I feel safe with D and VV. I have fun when I am with them. At times I start wondering why does he want me in his life? Why is he so kind to me? Why does he care? No one is supp...

I always fuck things up. Fuck I just want to cry. Why do I always do this. I feel like shit. Now the depression is going to get even worse along with my anxiety. I didn't even bring my anxiety pills. Fuck! Maybe I should just hide everything about me. Keep myself neutral. Be boring. I am truly nothing. A waste of fucking space. Hope you all have a better day/night. -Jasmin

I am questioning myself. Maybe I really should stop showing affection. It would make sure that no one questions what D and I are. Honestly, sometimes I get confused. He reminds me we are just friends a lot. But yet he does things a couple would do. I am so confused. I want to be a couple with him but he isn't ready. He still needs times to heal. So I wait. I will wait forever if that is what it takes. I don't want to lose him. I second guess myself a lot. It's hard not to. My feelings I try to sort them out. Sometimes it work, other times it doesn't. I want to help him all I can. Making sure he is smiling a lot. Making sure he is happy. D, he is amazing, wonderful. He is this wonderful guy. He is sweet, at times romantic. I can say all these great things about him but I get tongue-tied. When I look at him I get butterflys in my tummy. We think why does he be so kind to us? Why does he show us he cares? I don't know, maybe I am overthinking it. Anyway Have a ...

I think my depression is coming back again. The reason being is that I saw a post that said depression is when you get tired when you do nothing. I have been tired and haven't really done anything. So it's back. I am not telling D tho. He shouldn't worry about whether it is acting up or not. I am happy I have him in my life, it's just I wish he could see when I get sad. But then I don't want him to. He doesn't show affection around his family. So I will keep it to the bare minimum for him. That way I don't cause any trouble. Who am I kidding? I always cause trouble by just living. I know it isn't right saying that but it's how I feel right now. That I don't matter, I shouldn't matter. I am nothing. A waste of space. I don't tell anyone this tho. I keep it quiet. Like I am supposed to do. Why do I have to be so fucked up? Why can't I be better? I know I fuck up everything. I have been told that my whole life. I can't h...

I am still so sleepy. I love to stay up and be with D. Just us alone but when I fall asleep it isn't for long. Reason being is I am trying to spend as much time with D as I can because I know as soon as I get home. I am going to be missing him a lot. I know it sounds desperate but I honestly love being near him. He calms me down so much. He has done amazing things for me. Stuff that no one else has ever done before. It amazes me and I watch him a lot in fascination because he treats me like I am this wonderful woman. I am going to keep doing little things and to make sure he feels loved, happy and feels wanted. Because he is loved and wanted by me. And we love seeing him smile. I have been having wonderful dreams about him a lot. The only time I have had a nightmare since I came this week was once. I am so happy I have him in my life. He is everything to me. I never want to lose him. Anyway have a wonderful day/night -Jasmin