my unique life

I may have just ruined what D and I have. Fuck, I am such an idiot. I haven't got my birth control shot yet. In my body I have more testosterone, so taking the shot helps me get my hormones. Without it my emotions go all over. I don't want to lose him. I just may have though. He is my light without him I would be sleeping more, I would be how I used to be. I don't want to be that girl again. I just want him. But no I had to fuck it up being the stupid ass I am. Maybe I should hit my head against the wall. Teach me a lesson. I am afraid that if I lose him, I won't be able to come back if I go to my old self. I actually am in love with him. I picture the future and I see him in it. I am such a idiot. He is an amazing person. He actually cares about me. He treats me as if I am human. He worries about me. He is funny. When he plays his game and yells at the tv, I laugh and tell him, "love it is just a game they can't hear you." I watch him a lot. Becaus...

It is hard to not want to cry when I am at home at times. Everything gets to me and makes me even more stressed. I love him and I hope in the future when he is ready we can be together. But at time I start thinking he would never ever want to be with me. If he finds someone else to be with... I will let him go to be with that person. And just be best friends with him. I know that I am not right. That I am just a loser who shouldn't be here. I don't tell him that I still feel like I am nothing and that I am unworthy of someone like him. I have nightmares at least once every two days. Have a nice day/night everyone.

Today is a low day for me. My mind keeps thinking a lot of different things. Like I am a bother to D. He says I am not. But at times I see it when I bother him. I always feel so bad when I bother him. Hell, I feel bad when I ask him a stupid question. I just want to make him happy. I feel so bad when he is sad, when we make him worry, when I make him sad. I don't mean to. I am used to having no one care about me. Having no one ask how I am feeling, or ask what is wrong with me. I feel wanted when someone asks me what is wrong and keeps asking even though I tell them not to worry. But they keep asking until I tell them. No one has ever done that to me. I worry a lot about him. I know he is still hurting from what happened in his life. I want to help him through it all. I want to make him feel loved and wanted which he is. I don't want him to worry about me and what is usually wrong, or to make sure I eat. He is usually busy....So I never want to bother him. And when I do ...

I am going back to how I was before. I used to not care, barely eat, sleep a lot, never talk and if I did it was one or two words. I dressed up to go to his house today. It was stupid. I was trying to feel pretty. I know I am not. I still think no one should care about me. Im not worth it. Fuck I fell for him when I knew he wasn't ready to be with anyone. It will probably take years for him and once he is he will find someone else. I hate myself so much. I want to hurt myself. But I can't.  I can't hurt him. I have been having nightmares. I don't tell him tho. He doesn't need to worry about me.

Why do I keep hiding my feelings? Why do I keep making sure that I keep all my emotions are in check? I feel as if I tell D, I make him sad and worry so much. I always feel so bad after I do. I know he cares about me. I am used to having no one care for me. It is different with him. I am happier with him but when I am at home my thoughts are much darker because of my family. I just want to move out. No scratch that I just want someone to love me. I am afraid that will never happen. I am afraid that D will never want me. I am afraid just one day he will tell me to leave. He has become my rock. I don't tell him what I want or need. He shouldn't worry about it. He already has a lot on his plate. I am just a speck of nothing. I love him, I really do. I care for him so much. I worry about him. He is my everything.

It's getting hard. To keep my sadness locked away when all I want to do is cry. At times I feel so lonely. I can't tell him that then he will get sad about it. I don't want him to feel sad about it. That is just how I am. I am a sad, lonely, fat girl. I keep a lot of thoughts in my mind. Away from everyone. I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth is wrong and bad. I have been staying more and more quiet each day. But no one notices it. I feel like I want to cry right now. But it doesn't matter. If I cry what does it help? I am still broken. I am still unwanted. I am still just nothing. That is all I ever am. I love him, I do. But he feels bad about little things and I don't like making him sad. I feel worse whenever I make him sad.