Aug 25, 2017

How do you tell someone not to worry about you when that what you want? Or not to give you happiness when sometimes you really need that? Or even not to give you pleasure even though you bottle it up and you get frustrated and grouchy.
I can't tell him what I want or need sexually sometimes or even just to hold me. I believe I am not worth it. I mean, who would love someone like me? Or even want to be with me?
Im a 19-year-old girl who has went through a lot of heartbreak, a lot of issues with my family that made me different, a fat girl who is most of the time broken and depressed.
I don't want him to see me when I get low or even when I get a little sad. I am supposed to be the one there for him even if in the future he wants nothing to do with me and regrets ever meeting me.
It's nothing new to me....getting heartbroken and left for good. I just usually fake smile and fake happy to make sure no one knows how horrible I feel. When I am alone I usually start thinking this world would be better without me. That no one really cares about me. That no one will ever care for me. It gets hard at times....to keep living. It gets hard to pretend when all I want to do is have the pain go away, all the badness to leave. Its even hard to have hope that maybe one day someone could love me. Who am I kidding tho? I know I am unloveable.
You know the saying "age is just a number". I don't care how old D is. I still love him. But it sems to be a problem for him. To young. To stupid. To fat. Not perfect. Not worth it. Just a nobody. A waste of space.
I haven't told him that I do feel ignored a lot. That I truly feel unworthy of him. That I am just a speck of dust. Nothing. No one. Never important. It doesn't matter what I feel though. It never does. I make sure he doesn't worry about me, doesn't do things for me. I get annoyed with him when he does little things like get me drinks, or make sure I eat or even just helping me do laundry. Truth be told its different to me. I like it. But once you start liking or loving something/someone. Something happens to make sure your miserable soon. Im just waiting for the day he sees my flaws and say get out and never come back. Or to really see that I am trash....a waste of space.