my unique life

So happy it is almost 2017. He broke up with me. He wants to stay with her. I am okay. I did something big to me. I cut my hair short. Anyway so I am still listening to songs to choose which ones i want to do covers on. We got a cat 2 years old, so that princess wasn't lonely. bad idea the cat attacked everyone. got me the worse. My mind, thinks multiple things a minute which is good. I don't want to think about him. I am happy for him that he decided to follow his heart even if that means mine got broken. I really want to find someone who will be with me forever but i guess its not my time to find someone. I will be fine though. I am gonna put myself into my hobbys. Makeing more art, making covers of songs, etc. Thanks for reading, have a nice day/night.

So I came up with an idea, do to covers of songs. It is a way for me to get over my stage fright. Plus, there are some that you can make it into a duet and I wanna do some with my boyfriend. He is the one who gave me inspirations to do it.  He is finally moving here in January, I wish it was sooner but it is better than nothing. I am listening to 170 artist's and choosing the songs I like. Wish me luck.

My sister just told me she hopes I die. I mean honestly, it seems like a good idea. I lost the person I love, I am barely talking to people. Or maybe I can just start cutting myself. I need someone to talk to. He is the only one who I can trust and tell everything to. But I lost him so I can't anymore. I hate myself, I know I am fat, ugly, worthless. I am everything bad. He made me believe I'm not. I only heard his voice telling me I am perfect, that I am beautiful and I started to believe it. But now that he is gone I am worse. Why can't I find someone to love.

I wanna tell him i cant live without him. I want to hug him. I want to cry. But if he is happy with his girl. Then i wont. His happiness is what i care for a lot. I cant hurt him. But i dont want to talk to him yet i do at the same time. Why does love have to be so complicated? Can I just go back into my shell and sleep a lot? That way i can stop feeling. I love him so much but i have to let him go.

The relationship ended on what was suppose to originally be the 3rd month anniversary. I am happy that he followed his heart, even though that means mine is broken. I do hope he and his girl are happy for the rest of their life together. Yes, I am hurt. But his happiness is all that I want. Yes, I may cry for a little but I can deal with it. I am strong. I have done it before. It seems everytime that someone breaks up with me they find the person they want to be with forever. Why can't I find someone I want to be with forever? But I will deal with it. I am me and I can handle another heartbreak. He and I are just gonna be friends. It's for the best. I hope though I can find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Anyway Until Next Time. Have a great day/night.

So I got back together with my boyfriend, on Oct 31, 2016. He right now is in the hospital, I do keep hoping he is okay. I created an artwork last night, had a little fun with it. This month other than thanksgiving, which I can not celebrate because 1) we dont have a working oven 2) no money for food. I am going to be getting a car, a Honda. I can't wait to see my boyfriend in person, I love him so much. I miss him so much. I know I keep talking about him a lot, but honestly I worry so much about him.

So i got back together with him. Though im afraid he will leave me again. But im giving him a chance. I dont know if its the right choice but i decided yolo. I started looking at what he posted, kind of got hurt. But i wont tell him. I have to hide a lot of things now. I blocked everything of me. So he is going to have to work to make me tell him what im thinking or feeling. But anyway! Happy halloween everyone!! I hope yall have fun trick or treating. Be safe! And watch out!

I feel like it is my fault somehow. Like I know I do everything wrong, and with him, I sometimes did and sometimes didnt. With him, he made everything seem brighter and better. But now the world is as it should be. Cold and dark. It teaches you not to truley love anyone because then within one second your world can come crumbling down. Your heart isn't safe. You need to put brick walls up and gaurd it. If you talk to many people, be safe someone can be a backstabing bitch. So don't have to many friends. You want to let off some steam? Don't do something that is illegal, go to a gym and do the punching bag, or have a bon fire. Point is, this world may seem all good and fuzzy but the truth is that its a bitch, your gonna be broken alot, your gonna get hurt and wanna kick someones ass, your gonna watch your family die or lose them to the system, etc, but the thing that keeps me going is to block out all the pain, all the hurt and try to live life. If your depressed, I know ho...

Is it sad that I blocked my emotion? That way I don't break down and cry. So I can focus on making sure everyone else is happy. Is it sad that I still love him? I don't think I will ever stop loving him, though I know I should. Is it sad that I just wanna lay in bed and sleep? To forget everything? To make it where my heart stops feeling. The truth? That is overrated. I start to think what if all the things he told me is a lie. I start to wonder maybe I should become mute. I mean will anyone even care? Will anyone even notice? My heart? Don't worry about it. I don't have one anymore. It's gone, broken into a million pieces. I can't ever get it back. My happiness? That is gone too. Now the darkness will take over, So back to the old me. Barely there, just a shadow. Nobody notice's, nobody cares. I hope he is happy, Now that I am broken and too far to come back. I hope it made him smile with glee by tearing my world apart.

At 7:52 am, I get a text saying "Look I'm sorry for what I'm about to say but I need to say it. You are a major distraction for me and right now I can't have any distractions. I'm going to have to end our relationship because of the fact I need to focus on school and fixing myself as a person. What I'm saying right now I am not ready for a relationship. I'm sorry." Yea he broke up with me, I am in tears. I loved him and I understand but if he wasn't fucking ready for a relationship, then he shouldn't have dated me. I hope he gets his son from the state, I hope he finds someone he does love. I am hurt yes, but I will be the bigger person.

Im scared. Yesterday he broke up with me then we got back together. A line keeps running throw my head right now, "if he can leave you once, he can leave you again." I dont want that to happen. I love him. I dont know what to do. I feel like we are starting to drift apart. Im trying to not do anything to make him mad or sad but we have barely talked all day. My mind keeps thinking that what if he back with his ex wife, what if he is ignoring me because of that. I am gonna help him get his son from the state. After all his son is the only one he has. Makes me feel like i really do mean nothing to him. But his son should come before me. Just like everything else in his life. I love him so much tho. I hope he knows that.

Im scared. Yesterday he broke up with me then we got back together. A line keeps running throw my head right now, "if he can leave you once, he can leave you again." I dont want that to happen. I love him. I dont know what to do.

So lately I have been thinking. Some bad things, some good things. Some are fears of mine and some are dreams of mine. Like a fear I have been having lately is that what if this is all a dream, My boyfriend and I, what if one day he realize's that he wants to go back to his ex-wife. What if he tells me he never really did love me, that he was just using me. It goes around and around in my head, I can't tell him because I am afraid it may be true and if it isn't true then it can hurt him. My dreams are usually the same they have been, I still want to be a singer, but I have stage fright. To me my voice sucks and that I need to work on it more. But I still haven't lost the dream of becoming a singer. I still draw a lot, but right now I haven't because I am so stressed and tired. My mind always has a million and 1 things going through it. This blog is the only way I can get all of it out in one place. To be honest, I know some people think this blog sucks. But I di...

So my boyfriend woke up from a nightmare and I was there to help him. Next thing I know, a girl named Jackie, messages him. She messaged him this, "Hey sexy remember me." Now, of course, that pissed me the hell off, heck I am still mad. But honestly, it's fucking stupid, that the hoes try to get with a man who is with someone. I don't understand why they do this. But it's bullshit. I have been through a lot, but this makes it where my depression comes up and makes it where I am very possessive of my boyfriend, and also to slap the fucking ho. Look, I don't care if your white, black, purple, red, etc. It is fucking wrong to mess with a guy or chick who is taken. And on my boyfriend's facebook account it clearly states that he is in a relationship with me. IF you see that and yet still message the person, you're asking to get a beat down. But now it keeps running throw my mind, what if he wants someone better? what if when he sees me, he will hate me...

So sorry I have not posted in a while. I am not going to New Mexico state. I am going to the community collage. Dona ana community college. It is way cheaper and I am going for my early childhood education assioates degree. I still wish I was a kid sometimes, but who doesn't. Recently I started to date someone. He is a lovely guy. He is way better than all my ex's. I love him very much. I am so happy I have him in my life. We connected so easily. To me he is the one for me. I don't know what I would do without him. Also I may try to get rid of my stage fright. Key word though is try. I want to do some duets with my love. So wish me luck. I have made artworks and I am starting to sell them, I will post someof the pictures later. But I didnt choose to go for an art degree because some artist don't make money. I want to do a degree where i can make money and do something I love. I love children, they are so bright sometimes and you can't help but smile when you see ...

So far in my life, I think its been okay. But it can be different on somebody's else's point of view. In all honesty a lot has happened since we moved from texas. Like i am graduating next month. Also i got accepted to New Mexico State University. This month though its my senior prom. I am taking my sister. I have a dress but she doesn't. So its kind of stressful for finding her one. We are living in an apartment. Mom got her i.d. and my sister and i are gonna get ours. My 18th birthday was march 17th. So now im finally an adult. but in all honesty i sometimes wish i was still a kid. and other times i am happy i am an adult.