my unique life

I am such a weirdo. The reason being is when I fall in love with someone. I always do everything in my power to make them happy. I create things from scratch for them, I make sure they always feel loved, happy, etc. Lately, I have been dreaming stupid dreams. Romantic dates, amazing surprises, etc. I wish for some of these things to happen yet I know they won't. When something good happens in my life, something messes it up. We really hope with all our heart that D loves us. That it is the truth. Imagine if he just said one day, I never loved you, I was just seeing how long I could play you. That would be fucked up. But sadly it could happen. Everything bad can happen in an instant. We literally don't tell D what we wish a lot. We are sometimes afraid to. We have to be patient. If he wants to be with us, it will take time. He needs to heal. Or maybe he is just having us help him heal then once he is fully healed, he will leave us. Wouldn't be the first time. I have kep...

I am already stressed about class. I have 2 papers due Wednesday along with a discussion question. A discussion question due Friday and another paper due Sunday. Ugh kill me now. I am happy tho, spending time with D and VV. We watched white noise last night. I still hate that movie. Earlier VV and  I watched Insidious Chapter 3. I got full body chills on a part, VV got chills as well. then at the end she jumped. Is it weird that I miss my kittens but I kind of like being away from my family? I don't stress as much when I am here. I love spending time with VV and D.  I have never laughed so much before. For me this is my sweet escape. I am happy I met D. He makes me happy. Happier then I have ever been. It's different, he treats me nicely. I feel weird. I am used to ex's sometimes treating me nicely, not always. I hope I make him happy. I never like it when someone is sad. Anyway have a wonderful day/night -Jasmin

So I went home last week and spent "time" with my family. In the end though I just got annoyed a lot. They can be very annoying, a lot of times they piss me off. Even princess. My three evils though I love them. Lucifer will not let me sleep one way. If I lay on my left side he has to be in front of my face. It is the same for if I sleep on my right side or even my back. I am currently at D's house. I always have fun and smile a lot. I like being away from my family. They have 2 dogs, 2 adult cats, 2 kittens, 2 tanks of fish, and a ferret. I think that is how you spell it. Anyway I am staying longer then I did last time. But honestly, coming every other week helps keep my stress level down. I am happier. I mean I love my family, sometimes, but I have to get away at times. D makes me smile a lot. Yes, I have different sides of me. I usually say we, us, etc. Anyway a lot of times I think what did I do to deserve him? Why does he treat me so nicely? A girl like me doesn...

I have been hanging out with D for two days now. I have been having fun. I have been smiling a lot. Right now however, memories are coming up in my mind. Making me sad and delressed again. I haven't let it show though. So no one knows. Or at least I hope no one has noticed. I didn't realize most of my songs on my phone are either love songs, sex songs, or songs about relationships. Those don't help with my emotions today at all. I just want cuddles. But I don't need them. Have a good day/night everyone. -Jasmin

So, there has been a lot on my mind lately. I have been not singing as much as I usually do anymore. The reason is because I have been down again. I know my voice doesn't sound good. I have decided to not do the voice audition. I mean it's not like I would actually get in or anything. Also I know I am to big to look sexy. So I don't try. I have given up on how I look. I am ugly. My art is still the same. Do it when I feel a strong emotion. I am gonna hang with my best friend D soon. I am very nervous on meeting his family. Every time I think about him I get happy and butterflies in my stomach. He is amazing. I always think, what does he see in me? I am just plain, boring, nothing. I know it is bad to talk bad about yourself. But I have severe depression. It isn't gonna go away so easily. I don't like taking meds for it. So I don't. My feelings and mind are going crazy a lot. I can't help it though. I keep it to myself a lot. Try to stop them on my own. ...

I may have ruined what I have with D. How can I be so stupid sometimes. I don't know why I try anymore, to find friends, to be happy. I should just do what I know. Get through school, work on art, stay in my room. It is hard for me to be happy. I know I sound like a typical girl but honestly I have high anxiety and depression. I hide them away from people so no one sees it. I hide most of myself away from everyone. That way I don't get hurt, or bullied or other things. Yes I have a family. Sometimes they love me other times they wish I was never born. Most of the time I wish I was never born. Thinking people would be happier with me gone. I don't tell anyone that I think bad thoughts. My therapist, he helps me get out what happens with my family for that month, week or day. I know how I have come to have the high depression and anxiety. It is because of what happened in my past. It doesn't stop sometimes. My depression won't go away nor will my anxiety. They are h...

So, yesterday I had to get a birth control shot and get my blood taken. She tried first on my left arm at my elbow, I wouldn't bleed. Then she tried on my right arm same place and still didn't bleed. Then finally she did my right hand. It hurt worse than my arms. And as soon as she was done, I had a bad reaction. My hand swelled and bruised where she did it and I also felt extremely sick. I am so happy I have my best friend in my life. Let's call him D. He makes my days/nights so much more interesting. He helps me when I am down, and I him. He even calls my three kittens evil ones. It makes me smile when he says that. Today my father is going to race. I bet my mom a cupcake that he will throw up before he races. Originally he was supposed to race two weeks before but they canceled it. But the next day he went to practice.  I am debating whether I should go or not. I want to but then my father's friends annoy me so much and I want to punch them. School is somewhat eas...

I got 2, 200 packs of black cats. My favorite thing about fireworks other than the smell of when they are fired/shot. I also am so happy that it is July. It means that halloween is close. I love halloween. Lucifer, one of my 4 cats. Is sick I believe. The three kittens are evil. If I am asleep they literally run over my body. It annoys me badly. But their cuddles are so sweet. Anyway Have a nice day/night - Jasmin