my unique life

I knew that I should have blocked everything. I am becoming clingy. Something I said I wouldn't. Fuck I am such a god damn idiot. I don't want to ruin what I have with D. But it seems I am. I always fuck up everything. I am just a fuck up. I am so mad at myself. I don't want to cause trouble but I am. I don't want to bother him but I am. I am such a stupid fuck up. I don't deserve to be cared about. I don't deserve to be loved. Everything is wrong with me. I am nothing just a piece of garbage. I don't want to tell D because he shouldn't worry about me. He shouldn't care about me. All I do at times is either bother him or cause trouble. I try my best to stay in the corner and be quiet, to be out of the way.

I want to tell D how I am feeling. But I am not important so I don't tell him. I feel sad, unwanted, at times lonely. I feel as if I bother people as if I am a troublemaker. I can't tell him. He shouldn't worry about me. I love him. I do. But lately, I have been thinking bad things about myself. I am unworthy of love. I don't deserve happiness. I am nothing. I shouldn't be alive. Etc. It gets worse at certain times. But he doesn't notice. At least I hope he doesn't notice.

5:20 P.M. I really just wish to spend more time with D. Just me and him. But I won't ask him for that. He is busy a lot. I don't want to bother him. Today I know my depressive side has come out more. Maybe I should go home. But I want to spend time with D. But as of since I have been here it isn't much. Except for Halloween but even then we had others with us. I know I sound clingy. I will stop that. I have to stop that. So, that means I also have to stop feeling. What's new though. D had his mother bring me a thing of noodles. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. 7:41 P.M. I keep thinking a lot. Which is bad sometimes. It all depends on what you are feeling though. Right now my stomach is hurting because I haven't eaten much. Just a protein bar and a thing of crackers. I don't feel like eating though. Just because I am depressed. I know stupid reason. Maybe I am just stupid in general.

I feel very happy. I am finally spending time with D. Yesterday for Halloween I had fun. I went trick-or-treating with D, VV, her friend, and Jason. I didn't go up to the doors to get candy. My anxiety was acting up very badly...I almost started to cry. I haven't told him though. And they say that I can get some candy but I am too fat already. I am happy with D. I missed him so much. But I keep getting low randomly. I want to talk to him about it. but he is busy or spending time with his family. I don't want to bother him. I do that already. and I feel bad.