my unique life

Why can't I be loved? Romantically loved. Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I don't deserve love. Maybe I will never deserve to be loved. Its all about the age. I fell for him hard. But he doesn't even return the littlest of romantic love. I know he isn't ready. I tell him that I will wait for him forever. And it is true. I don't want anyone else but him. He is my everything. He is all I have ever wanted in a man. I know I am a fuck up. I know I will never be good enough. But it hurts. My heart breaks when he says something about his and my age. I want to just hide again. to go back into my shell. he makes me happy. He truly does. He does so much for me without realizing it. He is so amazing.

The Song is called Heart of stone. It is by IKO

I'm scared. I am scared I will never be loved. I am scared that I am gonna get hurt. I am scared that my heart is going to be broken again. I am scared that all I do would be thrown away. I am scared that I am not good enough. I am scared that I am never worthy. I am scared I am gonna fuck everything up somehow. I am scared that I am gonna lose him and become worse then I was. I am scared that I am pushing him into doing things he doesn't want. I am scared that I am hurting him and causing him sadness. I so so scared. I am scared that he may find someone way better than me, someone smarter, prettier, skinner. I don't want to be hurt. I am scared of being hurt. I cry every 3 nights, because I am scared because I am not worthy because I am not worth it. I want to be loved, truly. It may never happen for me. No matter how much I want to be loved. I am not worthy of it. I am just nothing. I don't deserve to be cared about. I don't deserve happiness. I am sorry for eve...

Work is fun for me.  I actually love my job. I realized I have known D for a little over a year now. I think that is so cool. I have loved him for over a year now. I still have this hope that maybe one day he would fall in love with me. But... I highly doubt it. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough to be loved. I will never be good enough to be kissed or cuddled, or to hold hands. I know he is still healing. I hope I am helping him heal. I never want to push him to do something he doesn't want to do. I have started to close myself off little by little. Hoping he doesn't realize it. It is the only way to make sure that I am always there for him and for him to not be worrying about me. I am not important. I know this in my heart, head and soul. I will never be important. He is my everything and I want to help him get better, and to make sure he is happy and feels loved. I don't know why he cares about me when he shouldn't. I don't want to cause him any mo...

So, I got a job at Sonic. I am so happy that I have a job. It means I will be able to help D more and be able to actually get things I need. I miss D tho. Since I have a job, I can only go see him when I have days off. I can't go over and see him for 2 weeks like I want to. It is so hard to not see him. I relax fully when I am with him. I sleep so much easier with him. I still can't watch movies fully at home. I haven't had the urge to watch them unless I am with him. I like watching movies with him. D makes me so very happy. He helps the bad go away. I am always smiling when I am with him or even messaging him. I hope that I make him happy. I try to. I want him happy. I don't like that he puts himself down. I know at times that he does get low because he gets triggered. But I still love him and will always love him no matter what.

I...I am heartbroken. I knew I never deserved love. I never deserved happiness. I never deserved to be treated nicely. I am trying not to cry. I am trying to block it. I am trying to hide everything again. I am trying to become a shell again. He shouldn't care about me. He shouldn't worry about me. Fuck I want to do something, harm myself. Make the pain go away....Maybe I should

I don't know what to do. I keep triggering myself while I am at D's house. Every time I am triggered it is when he isn't with me. Even then he usually stays for a couple minutes then goes to VV room. I understand he is her father. I know they need time together. But I still start to feel lonely and unwanted. I know that I don't deserve to be happy or to be loved. I know I don't deserve to be treated nicely by him. I know that he shouldn't care about me or for me. All I do is cause trouble or bother him and his family. I see it a lot. I have started to become quiet, like how I was when I first started to come over. I made rules for myself. To not get pleasured, to not get cuddles or kisses. It makes me sad. I have to stop it so I don't get him in any more trouble. I feel as if I am losing him slowly. I know I am stupid, ugly and fat. I have started to think bad thoughts a lot. He doesn't realize it. Fuck when I am low I just want to be held. I want so ma...

So yesterday was my birthday. It was the best birthday ever. D and VV made a cake. D decorated it. I loved it. D made it the best day ever. I hope everyone had a good st patricks day yesterday. My mom got drunk yesterday. She was in good mood. I woke up at 8 am yesterday. D got me. I was literally bouncing in excitement. I even did my traditions. Which is drink a shot and get either a mega million or Powerball.

Here is a picture video of me singing Lost Boys with Ruth B. I am still to shy to sing with only my voice.

Why am I the one is unlovable? My family treats me like crap. They treat my sister way better. Get her lots of things. While they bitch at me for asking for $10 for gas. My mother threatened to kick me out. I know she will go through with it. I always knew they stopped caring about me after awhile. Before I met D I was considering suicide. But then I met him and I stopped thinking about it. I wanted to live that way I could be with D. Help him heal and be happy. I promised him something, to never cut. I intend to keep that promise. No matter how bad I really want to. Today I got sick. I hope it ends soon. It seems like it is. Maybe I got sick because I stay in my room and stay away from my family. If you can even call them that anymore. I try to think happy thoughts. But it isn't working right now. All I can hear in my mind. Is my "family" saying they wished I was never alive. Or how ugly and fat I am. Or how they don't care about me. I don't know what to do ...

I don't know what to do anymore. His daughter makes me feel as if I shouldn't be here. And I don't tell him. Because it isn't right of me to. I feel hurt at times. I feel lonely at certain times as well. But why should he care? I am nothing to him. I don't mean anything to anyone. Fuck, now even more bad thoughts are coming in my mind. But I still won't tell him. I don't matter. He says I do. But I don't believe it. I will never truly matter to someone. Right now I am sitting in his room and crying. While he is in his daughter's room having a blast. He wants me to hang out with him and her at times. But I can't. I really don't feel welcome with her. But who am I to say anything. I am just a nobody. I have been telling him to not worry about my birthday. I don't celebrate it anymore anyways. I tell him to not even worry about getting me anything, ever. Why am I never wanted? Why can't someone love me? I just want to lay down and cr...

I feel as if I should hide parts of me again. His daughter thinks I am to clingy. I stay away from him a lot. So how am I clingy? But I should be used to things being said about me behind my back. I mean my family has done it to me before, so has old friends. Whats new? Just another person being rude. I don't want to upset him though. So I stay quiet and in the background away from others. So I don't cause trouble or bothering him. I can't hurt him. But I feel as if I do hurt him a lot. There are times where I want to allow parts of me out, but it is never the right time. And when it is, someone ruins it. I don't want to hide parts of myself, but I may have to. He doesn't know I am going to do that. He shouldn't have to worry about me. I am not important. I try to stay happy for him but it is hard when the bad starts to creap into my mind. I don't tell him when the bad comes back though. He has other things to worry about.

He wants to get me a present for my birthday which is March 17. I keep telling him not to because I don't want him to spend money on me. I feel as if I don't deserve to have a present. Nor to celebrate it. I don't want to tell him that what I do want is something that may take a while because he is healing. Or that I just want to be in a relationship with him. But because he hasn't paid the lawyer fully yet...he sees it as he can't. I understand....I really do. I just want him happy. I try my best for him. I try not to bother him as well. I always feel like I do. I feel as if I cause problems as well. When I am around his family including vv I stay in the background and be quiet. I do love him. I love him so much. I wish with all my heart that he is healing and getting better. And I do hope that he does find someone to be with. Even if that might not be me. No matter how much I love him. I will never make him stay in my life if he doesn't want to be in it. I wil...

He is so adorable when he is asleep. Last night he said something that made me feel so very happy. He is amazing. It is different....someone actually wanting to hold me or I hold them. He does a lot of things that are different and new to me. He makes me happy and feel like I belong. He makes me feel loved and wanted. I got him birthday presents and valentines day presents. He liked them. It made me so happy that he liked it. He wants to get me birthday presents. I tell him not to worry. That he is the only one I want. I am very simple. Just watching movies with him makes me happy. Or just us spending time together. I want to celebrate my birthday with him. I don't want to be at home for my birthday. They stopped celebrating it a while back. I like it when he plays and I watch him. It is so interesting at times. He makes me very curious.

Yesterday/today has been a good day. I haven't gotten low. He has helped me a lot. I got my ears pierced on the 14th. He helped me clean my ears today. It stung my left ear but if I want to be able to wear earrings. I have to do it. He has done so much for me without knowing. I smile a lot when I am near him. It is different though...having someone actually care and want to be around you. He is different. Its a great different. I don't know what I would do without him. While he sleeps I randomly kiss his forhead. Doing that makes me feel happy. It also helps me remember that this is real. I love spending time with him. I can't watch a movie fully while at home. I am used to watching movies with him. I love doing that though. He is amazing and wonderful.

I have been trying to hide the sadness, that way he doesn't worry. It is hard to hide them because he can easily see them. I do love him. He keeps thinking bad, that I don't want him because he is broken. I do want him no matter what. I want to help him all I can to make him happy and to heal him. I need to start training my body to stop wanting cuddles and playtime. He is tired a lot at night. Plus his daughter keeps coming in and waking him up. So I really don't bother him. I just want to be loved and wanted. Maybe I should give that want up. I never deserve it. Plus we are supposed to be just friends. It hurts to say that. My mom keeps calling him my boyfriend. I tell her he isn't my boyfriend, just a friend. I know that on this blog I talk sad a lot. I don't want to bother him with what is on my mind. I bother him enough. And I want to stop that.

My mother just told me she wishes she never gave birth to me. What's new though? They never really cared about me. They aren't my family and will never be anymore. They want to treat me like shit most of my life. Fine. I am done. Fucking almost 20 years of this bullshit with them. I don't need them anymore. I have D and VV. They are more of a family then mine are. D makes me happy and actually cares about me. He doesn't treat me like I am nothing. He treats me as if I am important. He helps with my depression. I am not as depressed a lot as I am at home. When I am with him, I don't get low a lot. I smile more and actually feel happy. He is so amazing and wonderful. I don't know what I would do without him. I would have probably tried to kill myself by now. If it is not one thing with my family it's another. Either way, I get yelled at. Either way It is my fault as always. Fuck I am trying my hardest to not get low and think horrible thoughts. But I can...