my unique life

I don't know what to do anymore. His daughter makes me feel as if I shouldn't be here. And I don't tell him. Because it isn't right of me to. I feel hurt at times. I feel lonely at certain times as well. But why should he care? I am nothing to him. I don't mean anything to anyone. Fuck, now even more bad thoughts are coming in my mind. But I still won't tell him. I don't matter. He says I do. But I don't believe it. I will never truly matter to someone. Right now I am sitting in his room and crying. While he is in his daughter's room having a blast. He wants me to hang out with him and her at times. But I can't. I really don't feel welcome with her. But who am I to say anything. I am just a nobody. I have been telling him to not worry about my birthday. I don't celebrate it anymore anyways. I tell him to not even worry about getting me anything, ever. Why am I never wanted? Why can't someone love me? I just want to lay down and cr...

I feel as if I should hide parts of me again. His daughter thinks I am to clingy. I stay away from him a lot. So how am I clingy? But I should be used to things being said about me behind my back. I mean my family has done it to me before, so has old friends. Whats new? Just another person being rude. I don't want to upset him though. So I stay quiet and in the background away from others. So I don't cause trouble or bothering him. I can't hurt him. But I feel as if I do hurt him a lot. There are times where I want to allow parts of me out, but it is never the right time. And when it is, someone ruins it. I don't want to hide parts of myself, but I may have to. He doesn't know I am going to do that. He shouldn't have to worry about me. I am not important. I try to stay happy for him but it is hard when the bad starts to creap into my mind. I don't tell him when the bad comes back though. He has other things to worry about.

He wants to get me a present for my birthday which is March 17. I keep telling him not to because I don't want him to spend money on me. I feel as if I don't deserve to have a present. Nor to celebrate it. I don't want to tell him that what I do want is something that may take a while because he is healing. Or that I just want to be in a relationship with him. But because he hasn't paid the lawyer fully yet...he sees it as he can't. I understand....I really do. I just want him happy. I try my best for him. I try not to bother him as well. I always feel like I do. I feel as if I cause problems as well. When I am around his family including vv I stay in the background and be quiet. I do love him. I love him so much. I wish with all my heart that he is healing and getting better. And I do hope that he does find someone to be with. Even if that might not be me. No matter how much I love him. I will never make him stay in my life if he doesn't want to be in it. I wil...

He is so adorable when he is asleep. Last night he said something that made me feel so very happy. He is amazing. It is different....someone actually wanting to hold me or I hold them. He does a lot of things that are different and new to me. He makes me happy and feel like I belong. He makes me feel loved and wanted. I got him birthday presents and valentines day presents. He liked them. It made me so happy that he liked it. He wants to get me birthday presents. I tell him not to worry. That he is the only one I want. I am very simple. Just watching movies with him makes me happy. Or just us spending time together. I want to celebrate my birthday with him. I don't want to be at home for my birthday. They stopped celebrating it a while back. I like it when he plays and I watch him. It is so interesting at times. He makes me very curious.

Yesterday/today has been a good day. I haven't gotten low. He has helped me a lot. I got my ears pierced on the 14th. He helped me clean my ears today. It stung my left ear but if I want to be able to wear earrings. I have to do it. He has done so much for me without knowing. I smile a lot when I am near him. It is different though...having someone actually care and want to be around you. He is different. Its a great different. I don't know what I would do without him. While he sleeps I randomly kiss his forhead. Doing that makes me feel happy. It also helps me remember that this is real. I love spending time with him. I can't watch a movie fully while at home. I am used to watching movies with him. I love doing that though. He is amazing and wonderful.

I have been trying to hide the sadness, that way he doesn't worry. It is hard to hide them because he can easily see them. I do love him. He keeps thinking bad, that I don't want him because he is broken. I do want him no matter what. I want to help him all I can to make him happy and to heal him. I need to start training my body to stop wanting cuddles and playtime. He is tired a lot at night. Plus his daughter keeps coming in and waking him up. So I really don't bother him. I just want to be loved and wanted. Maybe I should give that want up. I never deserve it. Plus we are supposed to be just friends. It hurts to say that. My mom keeps calling him my boyfriend. I tell her he isn't my boyfriend, just a friend. I know that on this blog I talk sad a lot. I don't want to bother him with what is on my mind. I bother him enough. And I want to stop that.