May 31, 2018

Work is fun for me.  I actually love my job. I realized I have known D for a little over a year now. I think that is so cool. I have loved him for over a year now. I still have this hope that maybe one day he would fall in love with me. But... I highly doubt it. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough to be loved. I will never be good enough to be kissed or cuddled, or to hold hands. I know he is still healing. I hope I am helping him heal. I never want to push him to do something he doesn't want to do. I have started to close myself off little by little. Hoping he doesn't realize it. It is the only way to make sure that I am always there for him and for him to not be worrying about me. I am not important. I know this in my heart, head and soul. I will never be important. He is my everything and I want to help him get better, and to make sure he is happy and feels loved. I don't know why he cares about me when he shouldn't. I don't want to cause him any more trouble or to bother him. But it seems that is all I do. Hell VV makes me feel like I shouldn't be here at times. So I decided to go back to how I was before. Keeping everything bottled up and away.