March 23, 2018

I don't know what to do. I keep triggering myself while I am at D's house. Every time I am triggered it is when he isn't with me. Even then he usually stays for a couple minutes then goes to VV room. I understand he is her father. I know they need time together. But I still start to feel lonely and unwanted. I know that I don't deserve to be happy or to be loved. I know I don't deserve to be treated nicely by him. I know that he shouldn't care about me or for me. All I do is cause trouble or bother him and his family. I see it a lot. I have started to become quiet, like how I was when I first started to come over.
I made rules for myself. To not get pleasured, to not get cuddles or kisses. It makes me sad. I have to stop it so I don't get him in any more trouble. I feel as if I am losing him slowly. I know I am stupid, ugly and fat. I have started to think bad thoughts a lot. He doesn't realize it. Fuck when I am low I just want to be held. I want so many things that may never happen. I keep hurting myself so I make sure to look like just friends with him. His family thinks we are just friends. I want something more. But he may never be ready. He may fall for someone else. Right now he is somewhere with VV. And I am in his room crying. But I am not gonna tell him that. He is low enough as it is. I don't want to cause him any more sadness.
I need to stop wanting some things. I need to block a lot. It is hard to do tho. It makes my head hurt, my heart hurt and my body hurt. But it may be the best thing I can do right now. I can't talk to him much about my feelings this time. He is usually spending most the day with VV, or one of his family members bother him. Or someone walks in. I know I am not important. He says I am but it has been shown I am not. I just want to bang my head against the floor or against a wall. But I can't right now It isn't my house.