my unique life

My mother just told me she wishes she never gave birth to me. What's new though? They never really cared about me. They aren't my family and will never be anymore. They want to treat me like shit most of my life. Fine. I am done. Fucking almost 20 years of this bullshit with them. I don't need them anymore. I have D and VV. They are more of a family then mine are. D makes me happy and actually cares about me. He doesn't treat me like I am nothing. He treats me as if I am important. He helps with my depression. I am not as depressed a lot as I am at home. When I am with him, I don't get low a lot. I smile more and actually feel happy. He is so amazing and wonderful. I don't know what I would do without him. I would have probably tried to kill myself by now. If it is not one thing with my family it's another. Either way, I get yelled at. Either way It is my fault as always. Fuck I am trying my hardest to not get low and think horrible thoughts. But I can...

D got me something for christmas. I told him he shouldn't have. That I am very happy to be with him on christmas. Today I am low thoug. But I don't want to tell him that. I don't want him to worry. My main concern is him. To help him feel better. He got sick from his father. So I am doing my best to help him. I can't watch a movie fully when I am home. I can only watch them fully when I am with him. He makes me happy. I hope he likes his christmas presents I made him.

I am afraid that no one will truly love me. I feel as if I am unworthy of love. I asked D a question last night and I made him sad. I didn't mean to. I feel bad about asking that question. I may just keep a lot of questions in my mind so I don't make him sad. I dislike it when he is sad, and if I made him sad I become low and start thinking badly about myself. I truly love him. He holds my heart in his hands. I trust him with all my heart. I don't tell him a lot of the bad things that go through my mind. I don't think I am worth worrying about. He shouldn't worry that much about me. I went to his house for thanksgiving. I had fun with him and vv. I hope they like the presents I have for them. I am scared that D won't want me. I am scared that he will leave. I am scared that he will find someone else better then me. I am scared that he will never ever love me. I know I am weak, ugly, dumb, not wanted. Fuck, I know all of this. I just want to be loved but m...

I knew that I should have blocked everything. I am becoming clingy. Something I said I wouldn't. Fuck I am such a god damn idiot. I don't want to ruin what I have with D. But it seems I am. I always fuck up everything. I am just a fuck up. I am so mad at myself. I don't want to cause trouble but I am. I don't want to bother him but I am. I am such a stupid fuck up. I don't deserve to be cared about. I don't deserve to be loved. Everything is wrong with me. I am nothing just a piece of garbage. I don't want to tell D because he shouldn't worry about me. He shouldn't care about me. All I do at times is either bother him or cause trouble. I try my best to stay in the corner and be quiet, to be out of the way.

I want to tell D how I am feeling. But I am not important so I don't tell him. I feel sad, unwanted, at times lonely. I feel as if I bother people as if I am a troublemaker. I can't tell him. He shouldn't worry about me. I love him. I do. But lately, I have been thinking bad things about myself. I am unworthy of love. I don't deserve happiness. I am nothing. I shouldn't be alive. Etc. It gets worse at certain times. But he doesn't notice. At least I hope he doesn't notice.

5:20 P.M. I really just wish to spend more time with D. Just me and him. But I won't ask him for that. He is busy a lot. I don't want to bother him. Today I know my depressive side has come out more. Maybe I should go home. But I want to spend time with D. But as of since I have been here it isn't much. Except for Halloween but even then we had others with us. I know I sound clingy. I will stop that. I have to stop that. So, that means I also have to stop feeling. What's new though. D had his mother bring me a thing of noodles. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. 7:41 P.M. I keep thinking a lot. Which is bad sometimes. It all depends on what you are feeling though. Right now my stomach is hurting because I haven't eaten much. Just a protein bar and a thing of crackers. I don't feel like eating though. Just because I am depressed. I know stupid reason. Maybe I am just stupid in general.

I feel very happy. I am finally spending time with D. Yesterday for Halloween I had fun. I went trick-or-treating with D, VV, her friend, and Jason. I didn't go up to the doors to get candy. My anxiety was acting up very badly...I almost started to cry. I haven't told him though. And they say that I can get some candy but I am too fat already. I am happy with D. I missed him so much. But I keep getting low randomly. I want to talk to him about it. but he is busy or spending time with his family. I don't want to bother him. I do that already. and I feel bad.